Entry #8
May 9, 2014
Today is our last day in Patti. It is the last time we will see Viridner and Rita. We plan to take Rajesh out to eat while we are in Rishekesh this weekend. We hope to take Dr. Paul out to eat when we are back in Dehra Dun. We have just completed our final yoga session in Patti. While I do not personally find it meditative, it was a pleasant challenge to push my body's limits and increase my flexibility.
I am greatly enjoying my time in India, but I am also looking forward to returning home and being lazy. I must stay true to myself and not deny that laziness is a large part of who I am (insert wink). Being such an introspective and self-aware individual, I am using this experience to learn more about myself. I realize it is never easy to generalize personality traits and tendencies, but I will try. So far I have noticed these things about myself that may or may not be new knowledge to me: I am sarcastic–not only is it a defense mechanism but also a way to differentiate from the sweetheart attitude I usually hold; I overanalyze and never stop thinking–everyone knows this, but I am realizing that it doesn't bother me much and I shouldn't let others tell me it is wrong or that I should change in this regard; I make assumptions constantly–this one does not bother me at times and I don't even notice when I assume anymore. They are often harmless assumptions and are merely a way for me to understand the world. I use assumptions as a mental exercise for myself by using external cues and prior knowledge to draw conclusions. There is a thin line between making harmless assumptions while understanding they may be wrong and believing all assumption to be correct, portraying an air of arrogance, ignorance, stubbornness, and general know-it-all attitude. I am nowhere near as guilty as others in making excessive assumptions, but it is something I should learn to do in moderation or at least conceal from the world more often. It is rarely an attractive quality to others. I have also realized how I crave being the center of attention but do not always know how to handle the attention once it is in my hands. I put many different faces on in the limelight–shy and bashful, sarcastic and witty, humorous and joyful, generous and hospitable. I suppose these are all different sides of me that equally represent who I am.
I can't help but feel disconnected from myself sometimes. It is as if I am improvising in a play, portraying the character I think would most amuse the watchful audience. I have to wonder if this is a consequence of only acting out one of my faces (characters) at a time and not portraying myself as a whole. Maybe these insecurities and emotions hint at something deeper. Have I built these characters based on what I've seen in the environment, movies, books, personal feedback, and none of them are actually me? Every character is created and developed purely for the audience's sake? Omg, I'm having a legitimate identity crisis. I swear I could be its poster child right now. Do you hear how melodramatic I sound?! Enough is enough. I'm about to go on a beautiful hike in a forest in the Himalayas. I know who I am, and I enjoy myself immensely. The matter is put to rest.
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